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September 2, 2009 - Volume 3 Issue 8
Q: My son is an angel at school but a terror at home. He was even student of the month last school year. But when he gets home, our home is absolute chaos and he is just nasty to me.
A: Many children work to be 'normal' all day long at school so when they get home, they are exhausted. The result is that they collapse into negative behaviors. When they are stressed at school, they hold it together all day long and then in their ‘unwinding’ of the day, they become “terrors.”
Due to early experiences of trauma, children can become sensitive to environmental stressors. Their regulatory systems have been compromised and they have difficulty remaining calm and behaved when faced with the challenges of a school setting.
The energy it takes for your child to maintain appropriate behaviors at school is far greater than the average student. He may look well put together externally, but internally, he is running at high speed to ensure he becomes the perfect student. Thus, when he gets home, it is as if he has run a marathon, not just a casual jog.
In order to create more balance for your child, consider ways to reduce some of the major stressors he experiences at school:
- Social stress - Peer interactions are exceptionally stressful, especially for children who function at a lower emotional level than their peers. Some children may need less social time and more time-in with a regulated adult at the school.
- Transitioning from one activity to another – Transitions such as going from the playground to the classroom, from art to P.E., and from the cafeteria to the classroom, are difficult for many children. Many of the traumatic experiences of children happened around transition, so they are going to be sensitive in this area and may need additional support.
- After school care – Staying at school for an additional hour or two is stressful after a full day of school. Children just need to go home after school. After-school care is typically less structured and less predictable, which is a horrible combination for a child who is already stressed out by this time of the day.
- Teachers – The type of teacher your child has can determine the entire outcome of the child’s school year, both positively and negatively. A calm, regulated teacher, who has control of the classroom, well-established boundaries, and reasonable expectations for your child will help your child maintain his own level of regulation during the school day.
- Riding the school bus – If your child is sensitive to loud environments and chaotic social situations, the school bus is not an option. He needs you to take him to school and pick him up from school. Helping your child transition from home to school through a peaceful car ride can set your child up for a successful day. Remember that the number one responsibility you have as a parent is to drop your child off at school as regulated and calm as possible. This gives him at least a fighting chance and a larger window of stress tolerance as he faces a stressful day.
- Stress-inducing requirements – Alternatives that reduce stress instead of increase stress need to be explored and established for your child either through a 504 Plan or an IEP (Individualized Educational Program). Many times it is the small things that can make a huge impact. For example, timed testing can completely throw a child into a stress reaction, impacting your child’s ability to think clearly, and should be avoided.
Also, just the thought of coming home and doing homework for many children creates a stress reaction. Some families have been able to write into the child’s IEP that homework will not be required because it creates too much chaos in the home.
Another major point to consider is that your child’s relationships at school are very different from his relationships at home. School relationships are indiscriminate. They don’t require close connection, thus they are safer. Close relationships, like parent-child relationships, require intimacy which requires vulnerability. For children with traumatic histories, their trauma happened in the context of close relationships. This sets your child up to be in fear of connection of you, not with the milkman or of teachers, but of you, the person closest to him.
As you are able to parent within a love-based framework, you are establishing an environment that decreases the threat of this relationship. If you need more examples of how to parent in a loving way while still maintaining rules and boundaries in your home, see my Q&A book, “Dare to Love.”. Real examples of how to apply the Beyond Consequences principles are given throughout the entire book.
I also encourage you, as the parent, to check in with yourself. Determine how you are feeling and what messages are swirling around in your mind. It’s easy to get into a framework that says to your child, “If you can behave for your teacher at school, then my gosh, I’m your mother…you can certainly behave for me!”
It’s very easy to take it personally and to interpret your child’s negative behavior as an attack on you. As a parent, you are working so hard as to help your child, to heal them, and to love them. I mean, the least they could do is give back some reciprocal love!!! Yet, the reality is that they don’t know what to do with the stress from school and they are still living in fear of connection with you. It’s not about you. In the heat of the afterschool moments, literally say internally to yourself, “It’s not against me!” Continue to go beyond the obvious and reach to the core of the issue---fear and stress.
For additional help with school related issues, we now have a new audio CD set and handbook, “Beyond Consequences Classroom!” This set is divided up into the educational levels of Preschool, Elementary School, Middle School, and High School. Click here for a back-to-school special that will move your family from surviving to thriving this school year.
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control: Volume 1 & Volume 2
Author of Dare to Love
Sept. 11-12 - BCI Certified Instructor Training - Virginia Beach, VA
www.intensive2daytraining.com
Oct. 7 - Beyond Consequences Online Parenting Course
www.BeyondConsequencesOnline.com
Oct. 16-17 - BCI Certified Instructor Training - Orlando, FL
www.intensive2daytraining.com
Oct. 23-24 - "Every Day is Mother's Day" Conference - Denver, CO
www.everydayismothersday.com
Oct. 29 - Beyond Consequences Live: Atlanta, GA
www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com
Nov. 7 - Beyond Consequences: Helping Children Heal - Wisconsin
Hosted by: Adoption Resources of Wisconsin
www.wiadopt.org
Nov. 7 - Beyond Consequences Classroom Live! - Kidron, OH
www.AllChildrenWantToLearn.com
Nov. 14 - Beyond Consequences Live: San Francisco, CA
www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com
"Parenting is not about who your children will become, it is about who you become.
Your children will follow your lead to become all they are designed to be."
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