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June 26, 2009 - Volume 3 Issue 6
Q: My wife and I try to understand and use loving ways. But our child will not listen and uses our loving way to play us and get what he wants so our stress level goes up. As long as he gets his way, he is happy. But once he does not get his way, he starts to fight for control and becomes defiant and aggressive toward us.
A: Many times, we set our intention to be loving and to use loving ways, yet our definition of what love is, has been misaligned. A few words I typically use to define love are acceptance, tolerance, and allowing. Let’s define (or redefine) what each of these words looks like for this particular question.
Acceptance means that your child is going to struggle and he is going to want his own way. Acceptance means that you can offer comfort and
understanding, yet your child may not be able to receive this from you.The definition of unconditional love means to give without expecting anything in return. Thus, love is about offering your love yet accepting that your child may not be happy when he doesn’t get what he wants.
As a parent, we have the responsibility to tolerate the entire spectrum of feelings our children have. When we were children, most of us grew up in homes that offered only conditional love. We became programmed to think that it was our job to make our parents happy. Our stress levels increased when we couldn’t do this for them. We then bring this same belief into our role as parents. When our children don’t respond positively to us, we immediately have a stress reaction and feel ineffective (you stated, “…so our stress level goes up”). This is a false, erroneous, and highly ineffective parenting interpretation.
Unconditional love would correct this false belief as you put love into action by allowing. Allowing lets your child be upset without affecting your emotional state. It is not about being detached and just saying, “Whatever, he’s not happy. That’s his issue.” Being a loving parent means simply holding the space for your child to be unhappy, allowing him to be human, to experience a range of feelings, and allowing him to be in his own process, while staying connected and in a trusting and loving state.
When we don’t allow and instead, become stressed out, our children interpret this to mean that they aren’t lovable and that they simply aren’t okay. One of the most important needs we have as children (and adults) is the need to be significant, or simply, the need to be all right. This need is exaggerated and intensified in the internal programming of a child who has suffered trauma and fear earlier in his life.
Your child gets triggered by these feelings of not being all right and turns to more drastic measures such as aggression. Aggression is the quickest way to find significance (negative significance is better than none at all). My first book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 1, has an entire chapter on dealing with aggression that would be extremely helpful to you in this situation.
Remember that being understanding and loving doesn’t mean your child is going to be happy. It is not our responsibility to make our children happy. In fact, we can’t make anyone happy. (That alone should calm your stress level).
Our children need us to establish boundaries yet they need these boundaries held without us adding our own stress into the mixture. When your child is not happy, being an understanding parent and using loving ways, means allowing him to be unhappy, without increasing your stress level.
If you are needing more examples of what this looks like and how to actually do this, I invite you to attend a Beyond Consequences Live training. In these trainings, I use intense role-plays and numerous examples to give you this “experiential knowledge.” These are free trainings, simply with a copy of one of my books. Information is available at: www.beyondconsequenceslive.com.
My new book, Dare to Love, is now available and it gives numerous examples in a series of questions and answers to help you implement authentic love. This and additional parenting resources are available at our store, by clicking here.
Every interaction you have with your child has the potential to be a healing moment. When struggles arise, allow yourself the privilege to allow, tolerate, and accept the moment, despite your child’s reactions. Remember, the only people who don’t have problems are those underground. It takes trusting and understanding the power and potential of these problems.
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control
P.S. Check out this month's Ask the Expert interview with Dr. Bruce Perry. Just click on the link to start listening. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/asktheexpert/drperry/
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"Parenting is not about who your children will become, it is about who you become.
Your children will follow your lead to become all they are designed to be."
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