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April 8, 2009 - Volume 3 Issue 4
"Every Day is Mother's Day" Conference
At the last Beyond Consequences Live training in Denver, CO, I did not have a chance to answer all the questions submitted to me. Afterwards as I was looking over them, it struck me that a large percentage of the questions were from parents struggling to either stay in a loving state or even move into a loving state when dealing with their children. Here is a sample of the questions:
Q: We are to be calm. How? It seems so hard to maintain.
Q: How can we use this information to help ourselves if we struggle to keep ourselves regulated?
Q: How do you regain your inner strength to try and get back into a relationship with your child when you’ve given up?
A: I have to begin my response with yet another question, “Why is it easier to live in a state of fear instead of a state of love, especially when it comes to our children?” We are designed to be loving beings; fear and stress are not natural states.
This is where we take a detour from discussing parenting techniques and strategies. It isn’t about your child at this point. It is about you.
Returning ourselves back to a state of love is our number one responsibility. While it is important to our children, we owe it to ourselves, as well. We deserve to be living in a state of peace and calm. Simply, we deserve to be happy and have a positive outlook—to move from surviving to thriving.
You have to invest in yourself first. Take time to ask yourself what was it that shifted you from a state of love to a state of fear. If your initial response is, “I was fine until he (my child) showed up in my life!”, take a moment to settle your nervous system and simply acknowledge how close to the brink you are and how you’ve reached your window of stress tolerance (see Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, Volume 2).
If you are this stressed out, it had to have begun much earlier. What were your relationships like when growing up? Did you feel understood, loved unconditionally, and important? Did anyone ever treat you less than whole? Did things happen in your life that were unpredictable and scary?
As adults, it is now up to us to take action and forgive everyone in our past who hurt us or was unable to be what we needed them to be. This act of forgiveness then opens space up within us to love ourselves and to love our children, despite their behaviors. If we are still living in a place of pain, fear, and overwhelm from past experiences, it leaves no emotional space to love our children.
Forgiveness happens at the spiritual level, the emotional level and the cognitive level. This month, I have a very special guest for my “Ask the Expert” series who will be speaking on the topic of forgiveness. Stay tuned next week for the link to that interview.
While information is certainly helpful to reach a point of forgiveness and love, many times it takes experiencing how to forgive within the context of loving relationships. It is hard to forgive if you’re still feeling alone and mistreated. Yet, once you feel love, support, and acceptance from others, forgiving those in the past becomes much easier.
I know from my own personal healing journey how important this is, so I am creating an environment for such an experience. My Mom’s Conference is designed to give you a chance to reach deep within yourself and release the emotional pain that is keeping you from living life to the fullest. Simply changing your thoughts at a cognitive level will prove (or has already proven) ineffective when you get triggered with your child in the moment.
More information on this conference is available at www.EveryDayIsMothersDay.com. Be sure to listen to the audio conversation I had with other moms on this website. I’m certain it will answer any questions you might have on this event.
If you are unable to attend this conference but are in need of emotional healing, be intentional about seeking support. Perhaps it is through a small group, a therapist, a close friend, a minister, or a spouse or partner. Ignoring the emotional component of your wellbeing doesn’t make it go away. It has a way of manifesting itself at the most stressful times with your children. That is why it becomes so difficult to stay calm and keep from feeling as if your child’s behavior is targeted at you personally.
It also takes changing your outlook everyday. Watch your thoughts. Are they positive or negative? Do you always go to a negative interpretation of each situation? Epictetus, a Greek philosopher is known to have said, “We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.”
If you continually believe that your child is manipulating you and maliciously and purposefully pushing your buttons, you eventually are going to resent him and resist any type of connection with him. It takes a new understanding of what is driving your child’s behaviors. Be sure to log onto my website for a series of free audios to learn more about how fear and stress drive our children to act out. http://www.beyondconsequences.com/freeaudios.html
There is the long answer that says simply, what you need is the following:
1. Healing at a deep emotional level.
2. Forgiveness of those who hurt you in your past.
3. A new understanding that instills not just a new parenting technique but a new paradigm for seeing your child.
4. An awareness to stay in a positive mindset and take charge of your thinking.
5. A commitment to all four of the above.
Parenting is not for the weak at heart. It is a call to not only love, protect, nurture, and guide your children, it is a call to move you -- not to a new place --but back to your original essential state of love.
Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control
Apr. 18 - FRUA: Forth Worth, TX
www.frua.org
Apr. 24 - Beyond Consequences Live: New York, NY
www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com
May 15-16 - "Every Day is Mother's Day" Conference - Denver, CO
www.everydayismothersday.com
June 12-13 - BCI Certified Instructor Training - Los Angeles, CA
www.intensive2daytraining.com
June 26-27 - BCI Certified Instructor Training - Denver, CO
www.intensive2daytraining.com
July 11 - Beyond Consequences Live: Chicago, IL
www.BeyondConsequencesLive.com
Aug. 5 - FFTA: Atlanta, GA
www.ffta.org
"Parenting is not about who your children will become, it is about who you become.
Your children will follow your lead to become all they are designed to be."
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phone: 407-965-1131
website: www.beyondconsequences.com