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January 13, 2009 - Volume 3 Issue 1
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As I sat down this month to write my eNewsletter, I began reading questions that had been submitted by parents online. My son was sitting with me so I asked him what advice he would give parents (my son was adopted as a toddler and is now 15 years old). His insight was beautiful so I’d like to share that with you in this eNewsletter (with his permission, of course) and leave the questions for next month.
Ben, my son, talked about abandonment. He shared how incredibly painful abandonment is for children and how it will always be the biggest piece in his history and in the history of other children who have experienced a break in their relationship with their biological parents.
Here are his words, “Abandonment is the worst possible thing that can happen to you, EVER! Even going to jail is better then being abandoned because at least you fit in there and you’re getting attention. Anything is better than being abandoned.”
Wow! I might be biased, but I thought this was incredibly insightful. If going to jail is better in his eyes than being abandoned, then this truly has to be the worst possible experience for anyone. And if you knew my son and his personality type, the point he was making would be even stronger.
Ben has a “Lion” personality (see Volume 2, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control) and is the type of child who cannot be controlled. He despises being told what to do and how to do it (exactly why I have had to parent him in the Beyond Consequences model). Yet, going to jail and losing this freedom would still be better than the abandonment experience that resides in his heart. Now that is powerful!
He talked about how parents need to understand this dynamic with their children and how giving them understanding and support is critical to their well-being. Not trying to fix it but just being present, is the best thing they can do to provide a supportive and loving environment for their children.
Ben’s point was so on target because the desire for life-long connection is much more than just a desire or a want. It is literally a biological need within us. Science is showing that we are hard-wired as a species to live in community and be in relationships. Relationships ensure our survival. We literally die or go insane if we are not connected to one another.
If your child has experienced abandonment, his need for connection is magnified more than most children, yet at the same time, he is going to be scared of this connection. It is a difficult place to live: needing connection yet being terrified of it at the same time. What your child needs most from you is a relationship with you. Your relationship with him needs to be the number one priority in all interactions with him, which means setting the negative behaviors aside for the moment and giving your child unconditional love in times of heightened stress and behavioral outbursts.
Stay focused on your relationship as this will prevent more abandonment experiences for your child and it’s there that you will be providing the healing connection he or she needs!
Press on,
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW
Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control
Jan. 31
Feb. 05
Feb. 20
Feb. 21
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