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May 8, 2008 - Vol 2, Issue 4

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Q: Why do children of trauma often target eye glasses and eyewear to break or steal when dysregulated? A:    When someone looks us in the eyes, it heightens our sensory system. This can be a positive experience if you are having a romantic meal and staring eye to eye with your lover. It heightens the connection! Conversely, this visual connection can be a negative experience if you are in a heightened state of stress. As discussed in Chapter 11 of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, (available at www.beyondconsequences.com) the eyes are sensory pathways. We know from brain research that the most direct way to stimulate the frontal lobe of the brain is through eye contact. This part of our brain is directly involved with the body's stress response system. When children are stressed out, eye contact can exasperate the child's stress level. Since most children with trauma histories live at an intense level, they will go to extremes in order to reduce sensory stimulation because they literally hurt when experiencing this amount of pain…they have reached their window of stress tolerance. Aiming for the eye glasses is a way to say, "Stop looking at me! It's too much! If you look at me any longer, I'm going to blow! Stop looking at me NOW!" I believe that we also need to consider the nonverbal communication being expressed when a parent and child are in the heat of a dysregulated moment. What does the parent look like? Does the parent look approachable? What are the parent's body, facial expressions, and shape of the eyes communicating? Is the nonverbal saying, "I am mad at you." or "I'm really disappointed in you." or "I can't believe what you are doing."? If so, the natural reaction of the child is to get the parent not to look at him because these messages are hitting the core of his issues (fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, etc.). Have you ever had an experience where someone was looking at you while angry or upset with you? How did it make you feel? The negativity communicated just through the eyes only made you feel even more dysregulated. Maybe you can remember a time when someone you didn't even know was starring at you. Didn't it make you feel uncomfortable? Perhaps in your mind you were saying, "I just wish he would stop looking at me!" The eyes can be a source of sensory discomfort at many levels. If your child has had a history of having difficulty with eye contact during times of heightened stress, be mindful to not look directly at him during these moments. Stay emotionally present with him, but move your eyes away from him directly, just looking down a bit or off to the side of him. If he is looking away from you, join him by diverting your eyes in the same place as he looking. More detailed information is available in Chapter 11 and I encourage you to either read or re-read this chapter if this is an issue facing you as a parent or profession (www.beyondconsequences.com) Keep pressing on with the goal of security, healing, and relationship! Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control

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