Beyond Consequences Institute Newsletter

Q: How do we teach children who are not taught by using consequences to live in a world filled with consequences?

A: This question is fantastic and it gets me fired up! I think I could write an entire book on this topic.

When you are teaching your children to drive a car, do you teach them how to get into an accident so they are prepared for one in the future? We drive on roads where there are accidents everyday, so why wouldn't we teach them how to be in an accident? Of course we don't- we teach our children how to be defensive drivers in order to prevent and to be free of accidents.

This example may sound absurd, but this analogy demonstrates the idea of teaching our children consequences because we live in a world filled with consequences.

Think about this important concept: Instead of teaching our children how to suffer consequences, we need to teach them how to stay regulated in order to avoid consequences. The first is reactive parenting. The second is proactive parenting.

Which paradigm do you want to embrace?

Reactive parenting is characterized by consequences and control that is focused solely on behavior in order to have compliant children who do as they are told. Proactive parenting is about teaching our children how to stay regulated during stressful times in order to develop their own internal control mechanisms.

Reactive parenting leaves children living in a fear-based world, where they make decisions and choices based on the consequences of their actions, rather than making decisions based on how their choices can help or benefit those around them. Decisions are made based on "what will happen to me if I do this…" How limiting this is for our children!

Proactive parenting allows children to live within a much more open internal framework of love and acceptance, giving them the space and freedom to make decisions based outside of themselves.

Parenting beyond consequences, logic, and control helps to give our children the practice during childhood to develop their own internal controls. This prepares them to be able to function at a higher level of consciousness when they are adults. It gives them the ability to live beyond the fear of consequences. Living in fear limits us and creates unnecessary barriers.

The dominant belief in our culture is that we need external measures in order to keep us living an ethical and moral life. The deeper truth is that we have the ability to develop all of this within ourselves through adopting core values and through our ability to connect with others in loving and respectful relationships.

Core values determine our behavior and loving relationships give desire and internal motivation to live by these values. When we are connected with others in safe relationships, we have empathy and are in touch with our feelings. We are able to live far beyond our primal needs whereby we can tap into the deeper levels within us that distinguish us from all other creatures on this planet.

Consequences from parents teach fear and rejection. This fear and rejection then transcends to teaching the child self-rejection. "If my parents don't love me unconditionally, then I must not be worthy. I must not deserve love." Self-acceptance, self-validation, and self-worth are absent from the child's framework.

Yet, these are qualities that we want to instill within our children based on who they are, not on what they do or how they act. Our children need to know they are intrinsically valuable, worthy, and deserving of unconditional love. When these qualities make up the blueprint of their personality and their soul selves, they don't need external consequences to keep them within the parameters of society. They develop much stronger boundaries and a much more powerful sense of right and wrong from within themselves.

We figure out very early in life that the external consequences used to enforce boundaries only apply to you if you get caught. It is a tragedy to think about how much time and energy is spent making sure we don't get caught in order to avoid consequences. We are all guilty of speeding down the street and then hitting the breaks when we see a police car. What would it take to shift your thinking to that of, "I'm going to go the speed limit in order to be safe for myself and for those around me."?

It is self-love that breeds respect for ourselves and for others. Self-love and self-respect keep us in a place of integrity and they keep us moving forward in our lives. Self-motivation, self-discipline, and self-awareness are all byproducts of this love for self. These internal controls are the original design to keep us on the straight and narrow path, not consequences created by parents or society.

We need to stop living our lives in a pool of fear. It keeps us treading water in the shallow end, constricted and limited. Love allows us to swim in the deep end, free to live a fulfilling life and free to think beyond consequences in order to dream big and live in peace, abundance, and happiness. Love allows us to develop our ability to self-regulate in times of stress in order to stay calm enough to make the right decisions and choices.

Through our parenting, we have the ability to give our children the gift of self-regulation in order to live a productive, happy, and abundant life within in a world filled with consequences!

Press on,