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Februay 29, 2008 - Vol 2, Issue 2

Book Events Q&A Parenting Support eNewsletter Archive Sign-up for this eNewsletter Beyond Consequences Institute BCI Educational Resources Heather's Daily Reflections eNewsletter Archive Ning Internet Support Group Yahoo Group

Q: I am wondering if you think it is also helpful to educate children about what Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is and their part in helping themselves to overcome their problems that stem from insecure attachment. If so, do you have any guidelines for how to share this with children? Also, how you would talk with them about it? A:    Your question is a good one. Yes, I absolutely think we should educate our children about their attachment breaks and how this has affected their neurological systems. It can be one of the most empowering ways to help children in their own healing process. Too many times we give our children a diagnosis, but then they use it in a limiting way. I can vividly remember a child I was working with in a school say to me, "I can't do that. I have ADHD." Instead, we need to help children understand why they react so easily and how to start making their lives different. An excellent video I recommend is, "Trauma, Brain, and Relationship: Helping Children Heal." It is available on my website (www.beyondconsequences.com). We can teach our children how to identify what overwhelms them and then they can begin to regulate their own environments. Teach them positive vocabulary words like "overwhelm," "regulated," "dysregulated," and "stress." Using these words, instead of limiting words and phrases such as, "I can't do it," or "I don't like doing that" keeps children from feeling as if they aren't good enough or that something is wrong with them. Give children their story. They need to know what happened to them in order to create more understanding and acceptance of who they are. This helps to prevent children from going to a place of self-rejection. Even if you don't have specific details of their history, you can use words such as, "When you were a baby, you didn't have someone come help you in your crib like you needed to. When babies don't have the kind of love and nurturing they need, their systems don't know what to do with all the fear and sadness." Explain that their nervous systems can become easily overwhelmed when they are under stress. Yet, we don't want to stop here. We want to always work to empower our children to first have an understanding, but more importantly to take action to make their lives different. No matter what level of trauma they experienced in the past, they always have the ability to work towards healing. Shifting from a place of brokenness and darkness to a place of wholeness and light is always possible! Empower your children to then begin to identify what events or activities create dysreguation for them. Help them to learn how to monitor and modulate their environments. My daughter, at 13 years old, has become a master at this for herself. Just the other week she decided not to attend a party with several other girls because, as she stated, "that would be just too overwhelming for me." Many times when she is working on her homework, she knows exactly when to take a break, declaring to me, "I just need a break from this. It's too much right now." Admittedly, I was the one still pushing her to just get one more math problem done! Yikes! Sir Francis Bacon said it best: "Knowledge is power." The power to change, the power to heal, and the power to create a better life begins with knowledge and understanding! Keep reading, make time to listen to educational audio CD's, and include your children in the learning process. Press on, Heather T. Forbes, LCSW Parent and Co-author of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control

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